C as in Choice…..

Wondering what this picture has to do with "Choice"? bear with me...

The kid at the far right, that’s me when I was seven years old; In that picture also, my two sisters and my mom; as you can see, we all have “kind of” the same outfit…. that was, until I was like 10 years old, my mom’s “thing”. We lived in Venezuela and every year my dad had to travel for work, so we sometimes would go with him, and my mom loved to get us all (as you can see) similar outfits, specially me and my sisters. Me, well, I did not particularly like this “thing” about my clothes, but had no choice, I guess.

As you maybe can imagine, I was thrilled when at the age of 10/11 my mom decided that we, me and my sisters, could go to the store to “pick out” our own clothes. It felt like some kind of freedom I was given, and yes it sounds a bit odd, but as I said, bear with me (and my little introduction) please!! (After all this picture was taken in 1968, so times have really, really changed!!).

‍Life is about choices; when we walk the streets and decide to take right or left, it is even a choice to decide what kind of food you like better, so for me at the age of ten, making choices about what clothes to buy (and wear) was, well, life changing!!

As a parent, it was not easy for me to let my children make choices and decide on their own; I was brought up (as you can see from the picture) in a way that left no room for us as small children to make decisions. This has changed a lot, and although I was not keen on the freedom of choice for my children either, after my studies in Education and Montessori Philosophy, that changed a whole lot. Drawn to the Montessori Method and learning about her philosophy was “eye-opening”; I learned a lot about how we can help our children to build self-esteem and be more independent through the freedom of making choices, one step at the time.

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According to Dr Montessori, being free to make constructive choices develops positive personality characteristics:

“All we have to do is set [the child’s developmental] energy free. It is as simple as that……This is not casual energy…..It has a guiding principle, a very fine, but unconscious directive, which is: to develop.”

(“Montessori, The science Beyond the Genius”, by Angeline Stoll Lillard, p.107)

Dr Montessori, also writes:

 “People have a basic need for autonomy [Independence]…. feeling one can make choices fulfills this need and allows people to flourish”

Making choices and dealing with the consequences is one of the key components in building self-esteem and consequently, Independence; when we, as parents and teachers, can offer this “freedom” to our children, they will be able to learn two things:

• When the outcome is positive, they will “come out” stronger, because of that very satisfying feeling of “I can do this!”…and,
• When the outcome is not what they expected, then it will help them to foster a tolerance to that not so “great” feeling of frustration.
• So, either way, it will be a learning experience.

At this point, you may be thinking, “Ok, I get it, but…. what about a more practical way to help our children to develop strength and self-esteem in day-to-day life?”

I am sure many of you have been in “anxiety” watching your child walking on the edge of a (not that high) wall, or on rocks at the beach; yes, this sometimes is terrifying, but you could “help” them by offering a hand, or simply encouraging them to closely pay attention to their activity; this allows the child to figure out how to control its movements, and achieve its “goal” to walk on that narrow edge without falling; after, for them, it is as if they have conquered “mount Everest”!

What is the actual (free) “choice” in this example? The child is attracted to a certain activity, (let's say this happens when you are at the playground) deep inside the child wants to challenge itself but is not sure if it is able to “conquer”; encouraging and guiding the child  through whatever the child chooses, is “our job”, no matter how scared we are for them; giving them the choice to select the activity offers the child a sense of “control” over its own fears; if the child succeeds, it gains strength, if not, the child might choose something else, or the child tries again until it feels satisfied with the achievement…and there, right there, is that great feeling of “I can do this”!

Hang in there, my dear parents!! This will also help you as a parent to conquer your own fears regarding your child, so it is a win-win situation!

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