F as in … FRIENDSHIP

As I decide what to write about in this post, I realize that there is this other word that starts with F: there is the word Fear, and then there is the word: Friendship;  I can associate these two words in so many ways, situations, and circumstances that it seems kind of a natural to make the following post about the second one; it is likely that when we are experiencing FEAR, we would ask a friend to keep us company or help us out … remember the song? “Under Mom’s Umbrella”? … so, this week’s blog will be closely related to last week’s blog …

Preparing this post, I thought of my own needs in terms of friends; I can think of many many times where it was so important to me to have them, however there is always that one moment in life that is exactly that time that you feel you need a friend more than anything … I would say it was when I moved away from Venezuela to The Netherlands …

That happened in 1976, I was 14 and very attached to the friendships of my classmates and other peers; It was heartbreaking for me to leave, what I felt was “my whole life” behind … (I’ll come back to this later in this post)

So, about Friendship … (and Fear) …

Children at a certain age have so called ‘normal fears’, the kind that we all can relate to or we remember from childhood: thunderstorms, darkness, loud noises, unknown places or doing some things for the first time; but as we read the next paragraphs, we find that specially at a younger age, children can find comfort in finding a ‘friend’ to go through these fears with; maybe walking in the rain with that friend can help the child confront that fear of rain associated with thunderstorms, and having a joyful experience while the rain is not that heavy(especially when there is a song that you can singalong to); going through fearful experiences or experiences that relate to fear with a friend is helpful and decreases that frightening feeling.

Looking for the meaning of the word “Friendship”, I found this one:

Friendship: a state of enduring affection, esteem , and trust between two people. In all cultures, friendships are important relationships throughout a person’s life span.

This would be an accurate and simple description of this concept, but there is so much more to it than this; first of all, the concept of friendship is important throughout a person’s life span, yes, true … but it also has different kind of stages, it changes depending on why the person looks for it and how old we are; what do I mean by that? … bear with me for a moment …

According to https://www.britannica.com/topic/friendship), friendship has different stages:  

Early Childhood Children themselves tend at first to define friendships in terms of interactions, such as “we play together.” Companionship is generally viewed as the primary function of friendship among toddlers and preschoolers.

By preschool, children also begin to incorporate more emotional and affective functions into their friendships. Preschool friends express more positive affect toward each other and score higher on measures of mutual liking, closeness, and loyalty than nonfriends do; friendships are not always mutual among young children. Although the definition of friendship typically requires reciprocity, unilateral friendships, in which only one child of a pair nominates the other as a friend, are quite common in early childhood. In fact, about half of nominated preschool friendships are unilateral.

Children in this age group (3-7 years of age) being in an “egocentric” phase, consider friends as a way to share time without having feelings or emotion involved, as happens later in childhood; it is mainly a mutual interest in each other’s toys or shareable space at the playground or the park.

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Middle Childhood Children at this age are developing increasing independence from their parents, and their relationships with friends may be somewhat less dependent on parental involvement than was the case in preschool. Children may spend more time with their friends outside the direct supervision of an adult. Coupled with the social and cognitive advances of middle childhood, spending time together with a friend may promote the development of shared intimacy—which frequently takes the form of shared secrets—and becomes a defining feature of friendship for children at this age.

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At the beginning of this phase, children between the ages of 4-9 are focused on satisfying the need of growing more independent and in the meantime it’s important for them not being alone but share their time with peers.

As in early childhood, school-age friendships are characterized by social contact, talking, equality, positive affect, mutual liking, closeness, and loyalty. In addition, by this age, emotion is expressed with friends more readily than with nonfriends; affective reciprocity, emotional intensity, and demonstrations of emotional understanding are all more common. As in preschool, friendships in middle childhood are defined in large part by shared activities, yet in middle childhood, the concept of a friendship as transcending shared activities and having continuity over time emerges more fully. By middle childhood, friendships are frequently more complex and more similar to adult friendships than are children’s earliest friendships. Loyalty, shared values, and shared rules become important during the school years, and shared interests, empathy, common understanding, and self-disclosure gain increasing importance by preadolescence.

Paying close attention to these descriptions, it turns out that friendship, a “state of enduring affection, esteem, and trust”, does not begin as such until we are at a certain age, in fact as I learned about the different stages of development during my studies, the first years of an infant are all about “me”, and how “I” satisfy “my needs”, even though I need a ‘companion’ while I play(as is stated in the paragraph about Early Childhood); it is only later that children start to discover the “feelings” that arise when these bonds of friendship take a whole other meaning!

It is then, that children search for support when Fears appear; when a friend helps you to not feel alone, or they “suffer” from the same kind of adversity as you do, and you feel totally better thanks to them being around … putting it in a more formal description:

“Friendships contribute significantly to the development of social skills, such as being sensitive to other people’s point of view, learning the rules of conversation, and learning sex and age-appropriate behaviors. They also help define both self and self-worth. Friendships in childhood begin as concrete relationships based on pleasurable experiences. As children grow-up, friendships evolve into a more abstract concept, one based upon mutual consideration and psychological satisfaction.

Friendships for children provide numerous important functions including companionship, stimulation, physical support, ego-support, social comparison and intimacy, and affection. Each of these functions has a different degree of importance at different times during development”.

(https://hvparent.com/early-friendships-profoundly-affects-childs-development(Dr. Paul Schwartz teaches in the psychology department at Mount Saint Mary College in Newburgh. His expertise is in child and adolescent psychology.)

Now, back to my statement about friendship, remember? When I moved away? I was devastated, even though I was with my family, and I was moving back to my “motherland” so to speak … none of that really mattered. All I could think about was the fact that I would not see my friends again; it was hard on all levels, especially because I felt like being ripped away from my comfort zone, all that was “familiar” to me, and especially: “who was I going to turn to when my FEARS showed up?  What to do? Was the question I asked myself every day during those years; my feelings were so strong towards all that I had to leave, that it became a mission to “go back” to the country I felt was my “Home”, and yes, there were other aspects that played a role, but for me, moving away was very hard … leaving my “FRIENDS” was very difficult … yes, I made ‘new’ friends, but it never felt quite the same.

“strong friendships are a critical aspect of most people’s emotional well-being. Research indicates that close friendships are associated with greater happiness, self-esteem, and sense of purpose”.

(From: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/friends)

We all remember our first childhood friend. The one we woke up excited to see inside the school gates. Play dates filled with adventure, fun, and laughter. Even now, as adults, our friends remain a hugely important part of our lives, from sharing problems, asking for advice, uncontrollable laughter, and good times, sharing our life events and proudest moments, our friends help each of us define who we are. 

For children, making friends is a vital part of growing up and an essential part of their social and emotional development. Attributes such as social competence, self-esteem, and self-confidence have all been found to be positively correlated to having friends. Studies have found that friendships enable children to learn more about themselves and develop their own identity. And, as children mature, friends are able to help reduce stress and navigate challenging developmental experiences, especially during teenage years.

It is beneficial for children to manage and build their own relationships; there are ways we can help our children navigate friendships, become more confident and help to build and develop their social skills.

• Help your child to understand the importance of sharing, taking someone else’s feelings into account and listening to each other; this way they develop their empathetic feelings for others too.
• Demonstrate to your child how friendships work by letting them see how you behave with your friends; imitation or modelling is always a helpful tool.
• Help your child find other children with similar interests, such as through a swimming club, dance class, or theatre group – children choose friends based on similar and shared hobbies
• Help them to find new areas of interest or help to boost their confidence in everyday situations.

(From: https://www.lifeeducation.org.au/parents/children-and-the-benefits-of-friendship)

Finally, there is this:

We often wonder why it is that many friendships cannot withstand the test of time or distance, and a Montessori school may provide the answer with its multi-age classrooms and children at different stages of growth and learning who interact daily. These children have been able to forge friendships that last. Older children are thrilled that they can mentor the younger children of their class and the little ones look up in awe at their suave, confident and knowledgeable, older classmates. For many of these children, a bond is formed, starting from a relationship of interdependence to one of independent worker and ‘proud big brother/sister’. This relationship in many instances, extends beyond their classrooms.

I know for a fact that these relationships are born from that “special connection” that comes from a support that people feel when this connection turns into a friendship …

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